The idea of “trust” is often directed outside of ourselves to the realm of whether or not we can trust other people. However, I’d like to suggest that the most powerful use of trust is the ability to trust ourselves.
Trust is easily defined as a firm belief, a confidence, or reliance in a person or thing, and can easily be applied to the emotion of feeling safe and secure. These foundational needs can break down over time from encounters that prove a person or thing untrustworthy.
When trust is lacking, it can cause a heightened sense of anxiety and stress. We often become defensive or emotionally sensitive because we don’t feel safe, secure, or grounded due to a breakdown in faith we had in someone or something.
Some of the most damaging breakdowns in trust often happen in childhood, usually by adults intentionally or unintentionally. As adults, trust can break down through the actions or inactions of others through friendships, romantic relationships, society, and more importantly, by ourselves.
What can we do when a breakdown in trust leaves us out of balance, often described as broken or damaged?
We can rebuild it.
Avoid leaving this to chance. Building anything requires thoughtful planning and intentional action.
First: STOP. Then START. Then BUILD.
STOP re-telling the “story” about what went wrong. Re-telling the story continues to deepen the initial damage done deep within the subconscious neural pathways. It doesn’t matter if it happened 30 years ago or 30 days ago. If the story continually gets repeated, the mind will log it as happening now.
STOP all complaining, criticizing, blaming, or shaming of yourself and others.
Adopt a practice of looking, inquiring, and discovering information that can be used to make adjustments that affect your choices, thoughts, and behaviors.
START considering that you (or they) were doing the best you (they) could with the information and understanding about yourself, life, and others at that time.
This is not about avoiding reality. It’s about being aware of how we continue to create our reality by what we choose to think and say. It’s tempting to think we have no choice or control, but that simply isn’t true. If we aren’t in charge of our thoughts, who is?
The solution is not really that complicated. However, it does require thinking with intention. This takes practice, not perfection, so be gentle with yourself and use the power of repetition as your ally in purposeful thinking.
START owning your choices — good ones and not so good ones — without criticizing yourself or others.
Example:
Stories about former relationships and how bad “they” were. Maybe they were. But you chose that person. If you chose someone who was unhealthy or not a match in some way, own the part of you that was not in alignment with your healthiest self, which allowed you to make that particular choice. Look for ways to adjust thoughts and beliefs in order to build more trust within yourself.
Building trust within yourself is easier than you may think. But first, acknowledge there is more going on than simply will-power and discipline. Give yourself grace as you look within and begin practicing the art of purposeful and intentional thinking.
A sneaky area where trust breaks down is hidden in the simple question:
How many times do we tell ourselves we’re going to do something, then don’t do it?
These seemingly small and uneventful moments can easily break down the trust and confidence we are designed to have within ourselves. Repairing this break can be as simple as being more strategic and intentional with your words.
Consider switching “I’m going to do…” statements with “That’s a good idea.”
Or “I’ll consider doing XYZ,” and then decide when you are willing to take action or reconsider. The sooner you take action, the better.
While building back trust with yourself, start in small and immediate ways first. Select something you can do immediately, then something you can do in one minute, then five minutes, and so on. This builds your confidence, which creates a powerful, firm, and solid trust within yourself.
If you’re tempted to respond to these ideas with defensiveness or resignation, consider that others may very well have done you wrong. However, when a person remains in a damaged or broken state of mind because of what other people have done, they are repeating the damage to themselves.
It is a universal truth that no one is responsible for your happiness and fulfillment except you. Others can add to it or take away from it. However, as adults, we choose what we allow to influence or affect us, consciously or unconsciously.
Example:
“I don’t trust someone to love me properly.”
Are you loving yourself properly? If the answer is no, avoid criticizing, blaming, or shaming. Just start there.
You want someone to pay attention to you?
Pay attention to yourself and how your thoughts and behaviors affect your wellbeing.
You want others to be thoughtful of you?
Be thoughtful to yourself first.
You want a loving partner in your life?
First be a loving partner to yourself.
Trusting yourself may very well be the most important key to your greatest happiness and fulfillment. Avoid expecting someone else to give you something you aren’t willing to give yourself first. It’s easier than you may think.
If you still feel a gap in where you are and where you want to be, consider Hypnotherapy as an extremely helpful tool in re-writing your story and building unshakable confidence and trust within yourself.
Hypnotherapy puts you in the driver’s seat, where your subconscious mind starts lining up more and more with your conscious intentions and desires. Results will come quicker, and you’ll be amazed at how so many other things seem to fall into place when you are in a good place with yourself.
Happy thinking!
Nancy Chase
Clinical Hypnotherapist
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